“There was a fire, we lost everything.” My heart broke open earlier this week when I received this message from a dear sister of mine who is also my son’s nanny. She lives in a densely populated township in South Africa and it’s the second time in two years this happens.

They are one of 250+ families who lost their homes.  When I met up with her to hand over food, water, and clothing it was clear we’d both been crying and were putting on brave mama faces in front of our children. She’s a mother of three, including a toddler who we joke is my second son. 

Her family stayed with us two nights ago and we made a party of it with cake because it’s her birthday this week. The brave faces gave way to genuine laughter and yesterday I woke up to the kids in high spirits giving each other Valentine’s Day hugs.  

This got me thinking about the times we live in, with heartbreaking personal and world events happening at a dizzying rate. How can we show up as our best (i.e. truest) self with an open, compassionate heart without being engulfed by the darkness?  

Without disconnecting from the world to protect ourselves?

Without becoming cynical and giving up?

Without doing the spiritual bypass smile-and-wave?  

Without trying to fix situations or people that aren’t ours to fix?   

Five Ways to Keep Your Heart Open in a Heart-Breaking World 

1. Let your heart break open. Although heartbreak feels bad, it isn’t bad. It’s part of the human experience. To deny it would be to deny ourselves the feeling of our full range of emotions. To avoid it would be to deny ourselves the experience of loving and caring for ourselves, others, and the world with all of our heart.

A heart broken open is better than a closed heart. Feel the sadness and the fury. Let it move through you so it may be alchemized into love. Cry it out. Dance it out. Scream it out (preferably at the wind, not your kiddos). Run it out. Breathe it out.  Talk it out. Hug it out. This emotion is the fire of Shakti which simultaneously burns, heals, and strengthens. You’re strong and can move through this. Trust yourself.

In heartbreak there’s tremendous beauty. It’s often in these dark moments when we fully witness the depths of our compassion and love for all, and get clear on what really matters most to us. As Leonard Cohen famously observed, “There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.”

2. Fill the cracks with gold. Once you’ve allowed your heart to break and yourself to feel the feels, pivot your attention to bringing the pieces back together and healing. This requires pausing and getting present with yourself (breathe, meditate, journal, go for a walk, whatever floats your boat…) so you can shift your perspective.

As you witness your heartbreak, get curious and ask yourself what the gold is. What have you learned about yourself and your world here? How are you emerging stronger? What can you be grateful for in this situation? What do you need to do for yourself in this moment to tend to your cracks and regain stable footing?

Going through this process is like the centuries old Japanese art of Kintsugi for the heart. They mend broken pottery with gold on the understanding that it’s more beautiful for having broken. Before we can mend our hearts with gold we have to see the gold.

3. Follow your heartstrings (not hurt-strings) with aligned action.   Who would you love to support right now? Sometimes the answer is you. Sometimes the answer is a loved one. And sometimes the answer is a stranger, mother earth, or a particular injustice that speaks to you.

If we are all one and connected – which I believe we are – there’s little distinction between personal and global suffering. It gets tricky because we risk falling into depression or burnout if we take on all the world’s problems. We can also disempower others if we try to fix people or situations that are not ours to fix.

The key is to selectively engage without drowning or going on a saviour trip.  What allows us to selectively engage in an aligned way is consciousness. Feeling into when, where, how, and most importantly why we are engaging, and then acting from love – not fear, obligation, or worry.  Follow the pull of your heartstrings not your hurt-strings.

4. Call in support.  In societies that raise us to believe we need to be strong and independent, it can feel both lonely, challenging, and weak to reach out to others for support. Whether it’s personal heartbreak or global heartbreak (or both), identify at least one person you can reach out to for a hug, a cry, or a talk through to help you process heartbreaking moments while feeling supported.

If you can find a whole community to reach out to, great. If you want to call in your angels, guides, ancestors and power animals that’s great too. If you prefer to invoke the support of the universe, the divine, and your inner, wise, intuitive higher self even better. Whatever gives you the feeling of deeeeep exhale and comforts your inner child (though ideally not a pint of ice cream…), chose that and don’t judge yourself.

Also, support yourself by avoiding judging yourself for not doing “enough.”  Aligned action looks different for everyone and even for us at different times. Sometimes it can look like a meditation to elevate your personal, and by extension planetary, vibe. Other times it can look like calling out a racist comment, seeking therapy, chopping veggies for a soup kitchen, or comforting a sick child. Follow the heartstrings.

5. Cultivate a resilient heart. Mastering the art of keeping your heart open when our natural limbic brain instinct is to close requires practice. There are several practices you can do to clear your mind, rewire your nervous system, protect your energy, and activate, strengthen, and balance your heart space. I share a short meditation at the bottom of this page for you to try.

I incorporate several of these practices into my day because I don’t want to spiritually bypass all uncomfortable emotions and do a “smile and wave” in the face of personal and global suffering to stay positive. That feels disconnected and heart closing, not heart opening to me. I also practice these because I am empathetic and they help me stay open-hearted and engaged while avoiding burnout.

An Ongoing Conversation and Other Mothers’ Perspectives

I hope these reflections and this practice serves you as you navigate this challenging topic. I’ve had so many conversations this past week with other conscious mothers and they said they struggle with it to. Here are some of their reflections – share yours in the comments below and let’s continue to explore.

“To sit idly and get “all spiritual” saying this is the soul’s journey does not seem right BUT then just moving into action mode to solve is neither helpful as well… What has been playing on my mind is the graceful art of holding space for people as the events of their lives unfold – how long to allow the silent listening and then when (or not) to offer wisdom, action. Navigating these two options.”

 

“I don’t know how to make sense of the suffering in the world. This is the hardest part of the teachings for me.”

“The hardest thing for me is to look at this co-creation in the face of tragedies like this one and the ongoing situation on a larger scale. I find it easier to look at the perspective of what can we learn, how can we grow from the as-is, is there a hidden gift beyond the tragedy and tears?”

 

“Accept the as-is and then pivot to abundance. We can make a difference this way.”

 

“Since childhood it’s been hard for me to make sense of all that you describe – the huge imbalance and injustice, the unnecessary suffering and that so many people are OK with it!!! And we as a humanity have the capacity to resolve it – it’s incomprehensible to me why we haven’t yet.”

 

“I have a hard time with the whole “not my karma so I don’t need to worry about it” thing. We are all connected and what happens to others matters to the whole organism of life… We can’t take on the weight of the whole world, but we can support a corner, a piece, and it is enough. Ripple effects we can’t even imagine. It matters.”

“When I take action it’s not because of wanting to save or change the world. I do it because it’s how I want to show up. It’s about making conscious choices.”

I am so grateful for this wisdom and conversation that we are having because it’s THE conversation of these evolving times. I personally believe it’s important to look at the big picture from two perspectives simultaneously:

     Everyone is whole and complete, and living out their soul’s journey – “saving” or interfering to fix situations and people can be disempowering.

    AND.

     There is deep rooted institutionalised injustice (thanks to centuries of patriarchy, colonialism, and in this case Apartheid) and we as individuals on our own soul’s journey can choose to be a stand for a better, more loving world through our voice, actions, intentions, prayers, and compassion for all.   

As a mother and leader thinking about future generations while living into the present moment, I feel this even more acutely  and continue to explore how to navigate the space of being a spiritual activist and modelling this for my family and others. Thank you for journeying with me. 

Movement Meditation to Activate the Heart   

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To open hearts,